Soulmates Alexandra (Talulah Riley) and Jeremy (Matthew McNulty) are getting married. At least that's the plan. Unfortunately for them, nonchalant best man Peter (Noel Clarke), bridesmaid Sarah (Mena Suvari) and an army of naysayers haven't heard they're meant to be together. Can missing bridesmaids, crashed cars, a trip to A&E, and a delivery of pigs testicles stand in the way of true love?

London, modern day: Joe, a mild mannered young man is bored by his life. When his beloved brother is murdered Joe finds solace in Piggy, one of his brother's old friends. Piggy helps Joe to cope with grief, intent on saving him and helping him get justice for his brother's killing. As their friendship grows Joe finds himself in an increasing dangerous and murky world of violence and revenge. As Joe life collapses around him he starts to question who Piggy really is, and how honest he's really been with him. When Joe confronts Piggy a series of events are put in place that lead to a disastrous climax.

Centuries ago, Baron Wolfgang MacLaren vanquished the Vampire Queen Carmilla in the remote Cragwich; however, before decapitating the evil vampire, she curses the locals and descendants of the baron, swearing that every woman would turn into a lesbian vampire on the eighteenth birthday. On the present days, the clumsy and naive cuckold Jimmy is dumped again by his girlfriend Judy and misses her. His best friend Fletch is fired in his job of clown after hitting an annoying boy. The two friends are broken and decide to camp in the countryside to forget their problems, and Jimmy throws a dart in a map in a pub to decide where they should go. They head to Cragwich and when they arrive in the bar Baron's Rest, they see four hot girls leaving the place in a Kombi. The innkeeper offers the old Mircalla cottage in the woods for them, the same place the girls will lodge. Meanwhile, Lotte, Heide...